you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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