9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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