I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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