Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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