Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
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Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
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I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.