Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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