Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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