Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
