So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i think i scared a bird with my dick
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
