i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
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I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
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Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize