im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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