this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
