I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
there was a trapeze. enough said
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
it was like eating out sand paper
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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