I wish I could teleport
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
