Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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