I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
