I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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