when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
