Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
