I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
