Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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