My hair reeks of homosexuality.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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