the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
