From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
