I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
