finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
