Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
