We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
