Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
