it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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