Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
