she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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