happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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