So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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