Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
