Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
