its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
