Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
