How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
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we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
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I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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