please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
