She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
