i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
