We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Just puked most of my soul out..
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
