I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
