i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Someone came in the potted fern
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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