in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
