when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
