Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
