I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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