I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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