The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
