Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
