Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
