By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
