If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I AM VODKA MAN
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
