On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
